Luke Burbank on making realistic New Year's resolutions
- - Luke Burbank on making realistic New Year's resolutions
Luke BurbankDecember 28, 2025 at 10:48 PM
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New Year's Day is approaching, and with it comes a convenient opportunity to reset. Sure, maybe we haven't exactly been the people we were trying to be this year, but next year? Next year we're going to be so different!
We just need to make a few resolutions, resolutions we can actually KEEP.
So, to that end, I say we forget hitting the gym, or signing up for that foreign language app. Here are some actually doable New Year's resolutions that I am personally committing to for 2026:
For one, I resolve to stop looking at my phone when other people are talking to me, and then lying about it by saying I was looking up something related to the conversation. It's rude, and also they can clearly see that I'm just playing Candy Crush, so it's not fooling anyone.
I also resolve to start actually telling the self-checkout machine at the grocery store if the fruits and veggies I'm buying are organic or the cheap stuff. I'm not officially admitting to any crimes here on national TV, but let's just say I felt like, if they're gonna make us also work there, as customers, maybe we should get an employee discount? But all those little "discounts" really add up, and could be a felony. And I know I wouldn't do well in jail. So, this year, I'm going straight. (Probably.) I also resolve to stop hoarding New Yorker magazines. I've been getting a weekly home delivery of The New Yorker for the past 25 years. In that time I've probably read one issue cover to cover. The rest of them? I still have them, piled up, in every room of the house, lying to myself that maybe someday I will read that 2004 profile of a Hungarian playwright. (I probably won't.) This year, there's a strict "one in/one out" policy. I'm reading them, or I'm recycling them. With all due respect to David Sedaris.
And finally, I'm going to stop agreeing to plans I don't want to be part of, on the secret hope the other person will cancel at the last minute. While this is the most powerful drug humans have discovered – someone canceling the plans that you were about to cancel – the game of chicken leading up to the plans in question is simply too stressful. I've only got this one precious life, and I refuse to spend it at a third cousin's gender reveal party.
This year, if I want to do something, I'm saying yes; if I don't want to do something, I'm saying no, and I'm not feeling bad about it.
If you need me, I'll be at home trying to get through The New Yorker.
Story produced by Liza Monasebian. Editor: Chad Cardin.
See also:
Faith Salie on the real meaning of resolutions ("Sunday Morning")Resolved: To keep making New Year's resolutions ("Sunday Morning")Faith Salie on how art can help shape our New Year's resolutions ("Sunday Morning")Michael Ian Black on making easy promises he can keep ("Sunday Morning")
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